This is the second time I’ve used other peoples’ characters in a PV story and the first time I’ve used footnotes. Feel free to make corrections to any continuity errors.
Nitz the Bloody Summer Special #7
By Neil Kapit
“ I love you, Nitz the Bloody. I love you with every circuit in my body. But why have you taken us here? “
Nitz faces a rather odd conundrum ....he has abandoned his household and friends in favor of his relationship with Joan. Now, he finds a need of a new home. He wonders, how do you find a home that will accept you for who you are, when who you are involves being in a relationship with a machine?
Answer: you stay at a small, low-repute motel by the side of the highway, the Motel #2. It’s cheap, it’s efficient, and it’s good for those who enjoy large vermin and lingering stenches. And it will make even the most accommodating partner want to find a new home.
“ I do not understand, “ Joan continues, sitting next to Nitz on the rickety-springed, multiple-stained bed. Nitz is playing with a Game Boy Advance, not looking at Joan as he punches the buttons “ This is a foul place. The wallpaper peels, the cockroaches run amok, the radiator is a potential fire hazard, the bed vibrates for some mysterious reason, and I can sense two people in the other room performing intercourse at prolonged speeds. “
” It’s cheap, “ Nitz shrugs, “ And it’s low profile. If the esteemed senator in the other room can adulterate in peace, then we can stay without much problem. “
” I wish I was human, “ she laments. “ Then you would not face ostracision from your friends and family. Nobody would object to us. “
” Well, my friends are douchebags. And while my mom would probably be more accepting, I’m not totally comfortable introducing my first girlfriend to her. So thus we are here. “
The ceiling fan rotates with several squeaks, which echo with the squeaks of mice running through the walls. Sounds which may or may not be gunshots resound from the outside. Nitz continues to play his video games, cursing repeatedly with his losses. He hears Joan repeating “ Sob “ over and over, as ounces of fluids gush from her eyes.
“ What are you doing, “ He asks.
“ I am crying. “ she states in her typical monotone, as she closes her fluid ducts. “It is a human practice designed to relieve stress. “
“ So why are you stressed? “
Joan turns to face Nitz. “ Nitz, “ she says, “ Do you love me? “
” Sure I do. What kind of question is that? “
” But you have given up so much for me. Your friends, your family, your home. You cannot possibly love me. I am just a machine. “
” You’re much more than a machine. You know it, I know it, so what’s the big deal? “
Joan shifts her form to her metallic self, ditching her skin and clothing for a hard metal surface. “ If I did not appear as the type of human woman you fantasize about, would you still want to be with me? “
Nitz looks at the android he has been going out with for the past month. He thinks for a minute, of what he truly feels. He wonders, am I truly in love? Do I spend time with Joan because I want to? Or do I do it because nobody else will go out with me? I know nothing of her origin or nature....what is she really? He gazes deep into her electrified eyes. When he looks, he sees a presence looking back. And for the time being, he has his answer.
“ Of course I would. “, Nitz honestly says. “ Of course I would. “
” Oh, “ Joan states, “ I am so happy. “ She presses her body against Nitz’s chest and starts her crying subroutine again, staining Nitz’s shirt. “Sob sob sob sob sob sob sob.... “
” Easy, “ Nitz says, “ You still have to get this crying thing down.... “
” Oh, it was just Nitz calling. Asking about whether or not he and his girlfriend could use my room*** in the Mansion. “
“ Will you let him use it? “
” Honestly? Probably not. “
The two young people walk across the Parodopolis University quad, keeping their voices down as they talk. Nobody knows that the boy is the flying phenomenon Nats, or that the girl is Princess Uhunalara of the Abhuman Dynasty. To everyone else, they are just another cute couple.
Bill Reed continues to talk, sounding a bit irritated. “ I mean, I don’t really know this guy. I’ve fought by his side a few times, but I never actually got to know him personally. Who does he think he is, calling me up and asking to stay in the Lair Legion Mansion? What does he think we are, a Holiday Inn? “
” What is this Nitz person and his girlfriend like, Bill? I am curious. “
” I don’t know the girlfriend, but Nitz is a strange one. He dresses like some kind of bizarre fetishist, he whines a lot, he’s got a short temper and doesn’t like to be corrected, and he’s kind of fidgety if you observe him for any period of time. He’s the last person you’d expect to be a superhero. “
Uhuna giggles. “ Sounds familiar. “
“ Hey, “ Nats snaps, “ At least I’m an actual superhero. He’s just a guy who does it for money. He’s kind of like the escort service of superheroes. “
“ This Nitz person sounds interesting. I would like to meet him. “
” Whaaaat? Are you serious? “
” We do not go out and do enough things, Bill. I would like to do what your civilization calls a “ Double Date “. You and me, this Nitz and his lady friend, we would do something together, right? “
“ I’m not sure. Nitz doesn’t seem like the type to be in any social situation. I mean, I’ve never seen him not wearing his helmet, for one... “
“ Isn’t it worth a try? At least to find out if he is a good enough person that you would be willing to lend out your space in the mansion to him? “
“ Fine, fine “ Bill reaches for his cell-phone. “ Hello, Nitz? Bill. I have a proposition for you.... “
NEXT: Nitz and Joan. Nats and Uhuna. And an irate spirit that wants to ruin the whole thing.
* Nats and Nitz found out eachother’s identities in Nitz/Nats Untold Parodyverse Team-Up #49. Or basically off screen.
** See the original Nitz the Bloody 11, 12, and 14.
*** I wrote this under the impression that Uhuna was staying in a dorm in Parodopolis U., not sharing a room in the LL Mansion with Nats. Not sure which one is true, but either way, you can assume she’s a good sport about things.
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